Feeling adult anyone?

I’ve been feeling out of place at work lately – not straight out of school ie not a newbie so certain excuses can no longer apply. But I’m not even 5 years at the company yet, so can I be considered a vet? Not in my eyes. For that reason I feel lost. I can’t really gage how much people are expecting of me and the more I try to push myself out of my comfort zone in order to find out, the more panic attacks I’ve had to hide. The stress is there, a looming cloud that follows me around. Somehow I always feel like I’m letting someone down. The more I think about my age and where I’m at in my life, the more I feel like I’m at the bottom of the class.

How long did you ever think you’d stay at your first job? For me it was 3 years tops and then I’d either go back to school or move on to something else. But it’s almost 4 years later and I’m still here. Not to say that I haven’t learnt anything or that I’ve peaked but there is some monotony that follows me around. I always imagined that I’d live in an apartment complex or some type of gated community in the burbs and have my own place. Yup, no more shitty roommates to burn down the kitchen or sleep with my boyfriends. But naive as I’ve been, things didn’t pan out as I’d planned. It’s almost 4 years later and I’m still living with a roommate. One I had to find on criagslist no less. And my room seems more collage like than adult. I can’t even seem to keep my covers and sheets matching. Disaster. I stayed with a co-worker for a few days recently to off-set the burden of commuting so much since I had late meetings and she’s only 2 years older than me but I felt like I was staying with an adult. A real one. Matching furniture, appliances, a dining table… what is it about me that can’t seem to get my shit together.

The biggest thing on my mind is ‘What do I want to do next?’. I enjoy being an engineer but the career pace is so slow that I get bored easily. Perhaps that’s where I am – boredom. I’ve been toying with the idea of seriously looking into going back to school again. But what would I study? And it doesn’t solve that I don’t know what I would want to do after. I’m like the poster child for ‘Jack of all trades. Master of none.’

Maybe a simple change of scenery could change everything…